“I feel so sorry for Naomi Campbell. She always hires the world’s whiniest slaves.”
“I loved you in ‘The Wrestler.’ “
— to Joan Rivers at the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers
“Why did AT&T drop Tiger Woods as a spokesman? They’re probably just jealous he’s been in more hot spots than their 3G network.”
“I think bus drivers are the most oblivious people on the road. Have you ever seen that bumper sticker on the back, ‘How am I doing?’ You’re driving a bus, so apparently not that well. I think you missed a few stops — high school and college.”
Healthcare plan? Have you seen Michelle Obama? America is more in need of a compulsory dental plan.
“My 2-year-old said, ‘I don’t like you, Daddy.’ And I said, ‘That’s not nice to say.’ So then my son said, ‘I don’t like you, please.’ ”
“So, are you getting tired of hearing about all this trouble over at NBC?
(Frank Nicotero’s favorite)
“Cher’s daughter Chastity is a man now. He changed his name from Chastity to Chaz. So, basically, he just kept the ‘Chas’ and cut off the ‘tity.’ ”
“Someone sent me a DVD called ‘Asian Girls Gone Wild.’ I am not really into that stuff, but one day, in a weak moment, I pressed play, and it was just a bunch of Korean girls skipping math.”
“I enrolled in an online school to become a private investigator. I gave them my money, and then I never heard back from them. I thought, ‘Either I just got ripped off, or this is my first case.’ “
(Julian McCullough’s favorite)
“An NYPD dog barked at me yesterday. I looked it right in the eyes and said, ‘I’m not the one who spends all day obsessively sniffing around for cocaine and bombs. You’re the creep here.’ ”
JUDAH FRIEDLANDER (and our favorite)
“I made a prequel to ‘Psycho.’ It’s called ‘That’s a Weird Kid.’ ”
President Obama had his annual physical last week, and while a colonoscopy revealed no polyps, they did find three MSNBC reporters and New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.”
I recently had a penis reduction. I’ve just got the one now.”
"A woman calls the nursing home to see how her dad is doing. 'He's like a fish out of water.' 'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' 'No, I mean he's dead.' "
(Penn Jillette's favorite)
"For the third time in six months, someone broke into our car and stole only the change out of the ashtray. When the police officer came he ridiculously asked me, 'Do you have any idea who might have stolen your change?' I said, 'I don't know. The president? He promised change, maybe he's taking mine and giving it to someone else.' "
Read the entire list at the NY Post.
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