Saints over Raiders: Amy Schumer has announced she will be moving to Spain if Trump wins the election. Hold your applause, because chances are she won’t stay long. After all, it has to be a lot tougher to steal jokes, which she has been accused of, in a foreign language than your native tongue.
Other celebs who say they will emigrate if El Donaldo wins include: Barbra Streisand, Rev. Al Sharpton, Miley Cyrus, Whoopi Goldberg, Samuel L. Jackson, George Lopez, Jon Stewart, Cher, Lena Dunham, Rosie O’Donnell and Spike Lee. The question is: Will they really depart or are they just a bunch of liars cut from the same mold as their preferred candidate?
Bengals over Jets: Cincy coach Marvin Lewis’ slogan for his Bengwads this season is: “Pound the Rock.” For the Jets, Todd Bowles has decided to go with: “We’re begging you, Fitz, for once in your career, lead a team into the playoffs.”
Giants over Cowboys: Ben McAdoo, the man who had a hand in all of the Giants’ late-game collapses in 2015 and who stood by while Odell Beckham Jr. melted down against the Panthers, gets his first chance to prove the skeptics wrong. One thing is for sure, if it doesn’t work out for McAdoo, the next Big Blue coach will have a big ill-fitting suit to fill.
Buccaneers over Falcons: Have to give the Bucs the edge over Matt Ryan, who in a few years has gone from overrated and overhyped “star” to overpaid and underachieving journeyman. Now that Jameis Winston has a year’s experience, grab the points like they’re free crab legs at Publix.
Titans over Vikings: It’s uncertain whether Shaun Hill, a perennial backup, or Sam Bradford, a perennial, oft-injured disappointment, will start at quarterback for Minnesota. Mike Zimmer was going to settle it by having them play a game of “rock, paper scissors” but didn’t because he was worried Bradford would pull a muscle.
Eagles over Browns: Philly quarterback Carson Wentz’s last game at North Dakota State (from whence he came) was a victory over Jacksonville State in the FCS Championship Game, so beating the Browns should be a snap.
Ravens over Bills: Rex has hired Rob to be the defensive coordinator, which means the Bills have a Lap Band of Brothers coaching staff. Thus, opponents’ offenses are sure to fatten up their stats against Buffalo.
Packers over Jaguars: Hillary Clinton’s camp denies she wore an earpiece during Wednesday night’s NBC forum, but even if she did, emailer, Mick Buckmir, P.I., says an exception should be made for a candidate whose terrible memory issues caused her to tell the FBI, “I don’t recall,” 40 times.
Huma Abedin reportedly cohosted a Hillary fashion show fundraiser with Anna Wintour on Tuesday night. No word on how much money was raised, but sources say the double-wide pantsuits on display were a tad frumpy, but quite fetching when accessorized with a properly matching earpiece.
Dolphins over Seahawks: Adam Gase, the Dolphins’ new coach, will have his status as a quarterback guru severely tested by Ryan Tannehill.
Redskins over Steelers: Donald Trump has been making an issue of Hillary’s health, but wasn’t that problem dispelled when she went on “Kimmel” and opened a jar of pickles? By the way, that came as a huge surprise to husband Bill, who confided to friends he hadn’t seen her open a pickle container in 37 years.
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